Take an OD on medication or drugs as an example. VERY painful when you wake up alive, although if you take enough you are certainly going to die right? Wrong. Even lethal doses of medications will sometimes not kill you. Here's a personal experience just to emphasize my point:
October 8th, 2008 I was DETERMINED to die although I didn't realize it consciously for a while. I had been going through some family troubles and it seemed that things were (and had been) falling apart around me for quite some time. I was done, there is only so much that a single person can take. Originally thinking that I didn't want to take that path I tried talking to people about how I was feeling. What did I get? A therapist that said I was doing it all just for attention. That my grief over my sister's death less than two weeks before was fake. What does that do to a suicidal person? Well to me that just sent me further over the edge. Proved that I had no reason to be on this Earth. That I should leave and never come back. So after school I didn't take the bus home, posted a message on my Myspace saying that I loved and missed everyone (nothing really hinting towards me wanting to die) and then walked to the store. On the way there I planned everything in my head, thinking about which medications where the most lethal and how many I should take and where I should go afterwards.
Once at the store I bought 3 bottles of Tylenol PM rapid release gel caps (the big bottles) and 2 bottles (economy size) of Advil Liquid Gels and some water to wash it all down. I went and sat outside the store (stupid I know) and took all of these pills, knowing that the end was coming. I called my dad to tell him goodbye and that I loved him. I quickly realized that I couldn't get up so I was stuck by the pay phone in the store.
One of my school teachers that I was close with walked into the store, noticed me and helped me over to a place to sit down. A police officer came over and started asking me questions and then searched through my stuff. I was asked over and over again what I had taken, but told them nothing. With a history of using illegal drugs they assumed that I was coming down off of some drug. I was later told that they were all arguing about whether or not they should take me to the hospital or not. It wasn't until I vomited on the officer's feet and there were pill capsules in the vomit that they realized that I had overdosed and needed medical attention ASAP.
An ambulance arrived and I remember being lifted onto the gurney because the PM aspect of the medications were taking affect on me and then telling the paramedic to not put the IV in my hand. After the needle entered my vein I can't remember anything but flashes for a while.
I was told by people that were in the ER with me that things were crazy for quite a while. I had a total of over 6 IV's in just a few hours because I kept ripping them out, my stomach was pumped and since I refused to swallow the charcoal they put a tube into my stomach and pumped that into there as well. Sounds pleasant doesn't it??
The point where things are clear again is right before I got transferred to the OHSU Doernbecher's Pediatric ICU. The Paramedics came into the room to transport me there and it turned out to be the same ones that transported me to the ER. It was a long ride over and all the way there I felt like my stomach was being ripped apart and was in extreme pain. NOT pleasant.
Upon arrival to my room I was assigned a "babysitter" that was there to make sure I didn't try to do anything more. It was night-time so all was quiet and I was basically left to my own thoughts. It was the worst thing EVER for me to know that I was still alive. How could I have failed? What was I supposed to do now? During my stay in the ICU with tubes everywhere I would try many times to finish myself off again, none of them obviously working.
After I was medically cleared I went to the psychiatric ward and then was sent to a Sub acute unit until a bed at a local facility was available.
I spent almost a year at that facility, a long hard year with several more suicide attempts and cutting scars from head to toe. Failing suicide is not easy or painless and there is ALWAYS a chance that one will fail, so my suggestion is that you don't even try. Seriously just don't!
Please message me or comment if you need any help at all! My inbox is always open!
-CrimsonAngel
Charcoal? In your stomach? Serously?? And how on earth were you trying to kill yourself IN A HOSPITAL? Were there people there? Like your family and stuff? If so and that were me, I think I would have just given up after that, looked at all the people around me and be content... I think that's all I really wanted- people to love me... Despite the fact that I had twice as much as I do now, and I got to see Lynnie a lot more, too. Weird how depression works, huh?
ReplyDelete-Steph
Yeah it's given to anyone that OD's on pills. I think it makes you vomit or whatever. And no actually no one was there. My caseworker made it so that no one could be there even though my dad wanted to be.
ReplyDelete